bitches love 'wiches

On Overindulgence and Being Sick: Common Themes Around This Time of Year

The holidays are upon us and you know what that means: Overindulgence (namely pie) and trying to stay healthy amidst sneezing, sharing coworkers.   Here’s a post that incorporates both of those themes.

Even before my experimenting with a paleo-esque diet, there were some sandwiches I didn’t like.  Namely, the Ritz Bitz Cheese Cracker sandwich.  In 7^th grade I developed a nasty bout of the flu.  I stayed home from school for 6 whole days – an eternity when you don’t get to see your crush roaming the halls.  I had not been eating much, and my entire day consisted of watching shit like Blue Crush and sleeping.  When my appetite finally returned, I knew exactly what I wanted.  Like a crazed pregnant woman craves dirt and pickles, I knew that Ritz Bitz Cheese Crackers were my destiny.  My dad picked some up at the store, and I was a happy camper.  Over the next day, I ate the entire box…and proceeded to puke it all up.  I have not had one since. 

Recently, Nate has been telling me about his new invention – the “Mouth Sandwich”.  An alternate spin of the classic PB&J, its instructions are simple.  Put peanut butter and jelly on a spoon, and put it in your mouth.  BOOM!  The continuation of this stroke of genius has the potential of being short-lived since Nate has fallen ill to the stomach flu this week.  His last supper?  None other than the Mouth Sandwich. 

BEHOLD, OUR GCHAT CONVO:

me: i’m sorry dude

       can you keep anything down?

Nate: trying now with some oatmeal

11:03 AM unfortunately the last thing that went down were mouth sandwiches which consequently came back up and now I never want to eat them again

 me: NO!!! down with the mouth sandwiches?!?!?

11:04 AM Nate: hopefully i can distance myself from the illness from the mouth sandwiches, they have become my dessert

11:05 AM me: that is a tradgedy

So moral of the story folks: if you’re feeling ill, don’t resort to a favorite treat of yours – especially sandwiches.  You’ll barf it up and then never want to see it again.

Happy Holidays!

I rarely eat sandwiches anymore.  Shocking, I know.  The same friends that convinced me to start eating meat again got me to give up gluten for a month in August.  It was…difficult (I caved at a friend’s wedding - beer was free) but it also kind of got me out of the habit of eating bread.  Who is this girl and why did she start this blog?!?!  I felt like confessing my lack of sandwich eating would lessen my authenticity but then I realized Joe, Mike, Nate, and maybe my dad are my only readers.  YOLO, right?  *eye roll*

Nate, Christina, and I went out to the Wilde Roast about a month ago.  It was one of the first real “cold” (I say this because it was probably 40 degrees and we’ll be wearing t-shirts and shorts in March come 40 degree weather) nights.  The cozy atmosphere and plush booths and decor were just what we needed.  Well, that and delicious sandwiches.  

The top sandwich was mine.  I opted for the tuna melt after hearing rave reviews from my friend Jackie.  She had coincidentally been at Wilde Roast the night before.  Bread was just fine - gluten free.  I liked the tuna, but quite honestly I’m fine with $5 Subway tuna.  Also, don’t let this picture deceive you.   The cheese was lacking.  I’d give it a B.  

Bottom left: Christina’s sandwich.  It has been too long and I don’t remember what she ordered.  Moving on…

Nate ordered some version of a grilled cheese.  It had tomato and avocado and bacon - sounds like a killer combo.  I do remember him commenting that the cheese wasn’t “melty enough”.  What does he want, Velveeta?  Hard to please, that one.

OK dear readers.  That is all.  Until next time…

$1 subs and deli meat aversion

Did you know that Jimmy John’s has a $1 sub day?  Neither did I.  

Lindsey and I elbowed through tough lines and crowds to revel in the frugality of our tuna  and BLT subs.

I hate to say it, but my sandwich was beyond mediocre.  Bread?  Not fresh.  Also I’m not a huge fan of white bread.  It may have been made “freaky fast” but that shouldn’t excuse a lack of coverage or an excess of attitude from the staff.  The price was just about the only thing that was right.  Not impressed, Jimmy John’s.  This girl apparently feels differently.  

Over it. 

Speaking of BLTs, Nate had a much more delicious-looking one from the Whole Foods the other day.  Jealous.  

At least I don’t look like a pedo.  

Here are some other phone gems:

I’ll leave you with my first turkey sandwich since 9th grade.  I’m not going to lie, I was nervous.  I was pleasantly surprised.  $5 for this sandwich, a drink, and a cookie.  Great deal.  Ample coverage, I was able to choose my toppings with was great.  Additionally, the bread was soft and fresh.  I’d give this sandwich an A- (just because not everyone deserves a perfect 10).  

So, my mom is a saint.  Actually when I was little I can remember her saying “Jesus can be in anyone” and I used to think she was secretly saying she WAS Jesus reincarnated.  Well, shit.  My mom is Jesus. 

No, so we know this Catholic priest and my parents occasionally have dinner with him - he’s 90.  Super cute old man. He requested that my sister and I come along for dinner this time.  Really I think he wanted to get the opportunity to ask if I had a boyfriend and insist that I find a “good, strong Catholic boy that is solid in his faith”.   He also asked why I like shopping at Trader Joe’s.   How do I eloquently say, “Well, father, because of the $3 wine.”?

He’s a hoot.  Also potentially the slowest eater known to man (watch out, Steffen Docken). So I had A LOT of time to think about how delicious my reuben was - my first reuben actually.  I really like rye bread.  It adds a whole different set of flavors to a sandwich, and it was definitely fresh!  The coverage was ample.  (Maybe a little too much corned beef, if anything.  Part of me is still a little hesitant about deli meat).  BONUS: It had a beautiful presentation.  Eat your heart out, Mike. 

DOUBLE BONUS: I have half of a sandwich for leftovers! As for the price, THANKS DAD.  My homeless, jobless ass didn’t have to spend a dime. 

Father Hall had some sort of sandwich that used French Toast as bread.  It took him 8 minutes to decide between chips, coleslaw, potato salad, or fries as a side.  I didn’t inform him of my blog - not sure he would care unless I blogged about the rosary or something.  Not even sure he knows what a blog is.  Though he did know what texting was because he wanted to make sure I didn’t drive distracted.  I was stifling so much laughter what with my dad’s comments regarding how infrequently Mary and I go to church (thankfully Father Hall’s hearing aid had fallen out) and Father Hall introducing our family to every single wait staff at Cecil’s without noticing that they really didn’t care where Northfield, MN is and just wanted to get our orders in (Do you know Jesse James, young man?).

I managed to snap this priceless picture with both of them mid-bite/sip: 

Here’s my dad wearing Father Hall’s very stylish Fedora (from Tar-jay boutique): 

Lastly, I know this is a sandwich blog but the other food item that I love as much/more than a sandwich is BROWNIE SUNDAE.  It’s going to be the death of me/the reason for my obesity as a grandma/the onset of my diabetes.  Here’s Mary and I on Father’s Day:

Bitches love ‘wiches AND brownie sundaes. 

After filling our chocolate drawer, pranking at the pool, dining at a local sushi restaurant, and finding time to inspect buildings, Mike Bentley found his true love in a sandwich.  Thank you Pat’s Tap for providing him with such a succulent Rachel.  (Note: I can’t help but think of Scott Stapp when I say Pat’s Tap.  They sound so similar) What is a Rachel you might ask?  It mimics the classic Reuben but substitutes turkey instead of corned beef.  

Mike ordered an Old Fashioned at dinner and proceeded to text Nate from the bathroom about how good this sandwich was.  I don’t want to discount the sandwich’s quality, but we all know how much of a lightweight Mike is, and how much alcohol makes you overestimate the quality of food you’re consuming.  That being said, after one strong drink, there is a chance that this flooze could have mistaken dog poop for a candy bar.  That’s a little extreme. 

Here’s Mike to obnoxiously articulate his experience: 

That same weekend, we dined at one of our favorite places - French Meadow on the corner of 26th and Lyndale.  

[[Nate and I always say that this exists as one of Uptown’s best intersections.  Some day we plan on doing a 26th and Lyndale marathon.  Start the day out right with brunch at French Meadow, head on over to Common Roots for a nice cup of midday coffee, continue on to The Bulldog (Nate’s mecca) for burgers and beers and a wait staff that practically worships the ground that Nate walks on (also they once thought him and Nathan were dating), and then cap the night off Dundas style at the CC Club.  It’s like walking into small town Minnesota.]]

Celeste opted for the tuna melt, while Mike tried his luck with the second rachel of the weekend.

Once again we found ourselves at Hogan Brothers in Northfield, MN.  After a poolside afternoon, Mike, Celeste, myself, and a very hangry Nate prepared for an ounce of heaven.    It was Mike’s first time at the place, and my first meat sandwich in EIGHT YEARS.  LAWD.  Considering my strong aversion to turkey, I opted for the salami.  I was impressed.  Good coverage - ample amount of sauce and toppings.  Every bite was a good one, no shitty-ass dry corners.  I will say, I did notice the lack of cheese on the meat hoagies (they really load the hummus ones) but overall it still deserves an A for coverage.  Bread: FRESH. Just like it should taste, hot out of the oven!  Or in this case, the microwave.  As for texture, it seemed pretty standard.  The sandwich itself can be a little droopy, but it is only on account of its succulent special sauce.  Though unique and delicious, this sauce is so potent that you can often smell the sandwich’s remnants hours later after ample hand washing.  As for price, the price had to be right - Mike was paying.  For you frugal Franks out there, you really do get the most bang for your buck.  Half hoagies run at about $4.25.  I remember years ago they were $3.93 and Celeste and I thought it was super cool to count out the exact amount of change before they told us the total.  In retrospect, it probably just made us seem like chubby adolescents who clearly had no hobbies but loitering at the local sandwich shop.  Cool. 

URGENT NEWS: AFTER AN 8 YEAR HIATUS…

I EAT MEAT AGAIN.  Who wants to buy me a BLT?

So far I’ve had LOTS OF BACON, some sausage, and a filet mignon last night (I’m a classy lady) but I have yet to be blessed with a MEAT sandwich.   I have some initial hesitations since turkey sandwiches were what made me become a vegetarian in the first place…have you heard that story?  It’s a good one.  

Anyways, some other things in my life have been changing.  Like getting a new phone.  As a result, I have some un-posted ‘wiches in cyber limbo.  SORRY BITCHES.  

ANYWHO. My ol’ pal Mike Bentley (brother to my arch-nemesis and roommate, Nate Bentley) has a fever for nachos.  He posts to Facebook and rates the nachos based on their price, satiation level, coverage (no one wants a dry chip), and overall taste.  And that got me thinking.  My sandwiches need to have some sort of measurement scale.  Most importantly, every bite has to be worth it.  I want to be able to close my eyes and not know if I’m near the end (that’s what she said?).

I’ve come up with a similar rating scale.  This witch is gonna bitch (wait, oops) about coverage, bread freshness (freshness <—> staleness continuum), texture variation (often disregarded, but important), and price.  Any other suggestions?  Feedback appreciated. 

Totally unrelated but if we’re counting burgers as sandwiches, then JESUS H I’m excited to have my first Juicy Lucy ever (as soon as my digestive enzymes can handle that) and blog about it. 

Congrats Inta Juice of Rochester, MN for making quite possibly the most ill-crafted sandwich ever!  While en route to Chicago with my mother to visit relatives, we made a quick stop to grab a bite to eat (Note: my mom thought she saw a Jimmy John’s only to realize that she just saw a “John’s” and failed to realize the first word was Papa).

Anyway, we should have known because clearly this restaurant is a smoothie shop that sells sandwiches.  First of all, they only had one sandwich on the menu that was vegetarian friendly (strike one).  They did have a “build your own” option but the only vegetables they offered were lettuce and tomato! WTF?! I ordered the Caprese Sandwich which was modeled after one of my favorite dishes - Caprese salad.  It was advertised to be mozzarella, tomatoes, lettuce, basil, and olive oil on ciabatta bread.  Look at what they gave me.  Pitiful. First of all, what kind of dumb ass puts the skewers through like that!  Awful presentation.  Before even taking a bite I knew that there were too many tomatoes (not to mention they didn’t look ripe) and it was missing the lettuce! And basil!  

We were already on the road by the time I opened up my earth-killing container so I had no choice but to make do.   Thank god I ordered a smoothie because at least I found solace in the fact that their high school dropout employees can use a blender. 

So many of you have waited those extra 5 seconds before taking a bite of your sandwich to allow me to snap a picture.  And for that, I thank you.  Here are some great people in my life who also like sandwiches.  

Here’s my mom and I on Sunday night at The Hideaway.  We were originally planning on going to Hogan Brothers, but their credit card machine was down (da fuck?) and who carries cash these days.  Mom opted for the half soup/half sandwich combo - chicken salad.  She was a fan.  I had The First National (technically a panini) and it was great!  I’d say this would be a great sandwich for someone who is cutting down on eating meat/a Catholic on a Friday during Lent/someone who thinks vegetarians eat vegetables and PB&Js (ahem, Joe).  My one two complaints is are that it should be on wheat bread, and also that it took too long to be prepared considering the restaurant was almost empty.  Anyways, moms are great.  We had fun.  I don’t actually have a picture of my sandwich because I was hangry after running 9 miles, THEN driving down to Northfield and continuing to wait to eat…for too long. Waiting to take a picture of my mom was about all I could handle. 

Mike Bentley made his way to Minneapolis last week and treated us (so graciously) to dinner twice!  I don’t know if it was because he just desperately wanted to be on the blog, but he got sandwiches both nights.  Fun fact: Mike has a passion for nachos and usually posts his reviews to Facebook.  We’re trying to convince him to create a blog of his own! 

I think this first one was a Rachel at Bryant Lake Bowl, and to be honest I’m surprised our orders came out right because our waitress was drunk. 

Here’s his pulled pork sandwich from French Meadow - one of my favorite places to go in Uptown.  I remember him mentioning that he liked the coleslaw on top, so hopefully it was a success all around! (Too bad they didn’t have nachos).  

I don’t have any pictures of Mike with aforementioned sandwiches BUT I did find this gem on Facebook: 

Jake who was also in attendance opted for this sandwich.  He didn’t really want to be photographed.  I forget what he ordered.  Oops? 

Moving on…

Even though it’s a chain, I think that Erbert and Gerbert’s has some of the best sandwiches around.  The bread is always fresh, and the sandwiches are always made with the right amount of fixings.  Northfield used to have one, and I really miss it.  My go-to order is the Titan (sans turkey and plus hummus).  What makes this sandwich so good is (well obviously the mayo because mayo is for fatties) the sun dried tomatoes.  I think that texture adds a lot to sandwiches, and sun dried tomatoes are the right amount of chewy.  Here’s Robby after I picked him up from the airport and made him accompany me to Erbs and Gerbs. 

My visits to Froggy Bottoms have generally consisted of karaoke (Total Eclipse of the Heart) and free popcorn.  So when we went this winter after the alumni meet, I was surprised that the food was decent!  Here’s Christina with the avocado sandwich that we both ordered.  She’s FLASHING us. 

And last but not least, my lovely sister showcases her Caprese panini.  GREAT flavor combination.  She recommends it!  You can find it at Kowalski’s in Uptown…or I’m sure any other Kowalski’s.